Welcoming 2011 (New Years Sickness)~

The New Year has come...and as always, New Years Eve was just another day. It held no special excitement, it held no special wonder, just the long and lonely day of sitting down and wondering what you have done all year and whether or not it was all worth it.
In fact, it's this very moment when you sit down and contemplate over your life, fearing that things in your life will never be as great as they are now, or your worried that things will get worse as the new year passes by...you feel worthless, helpless, and well, shitty...this is called New Years sickness.

I have the worst case of New Years Sickness of everyone that I know...in fact, it is so bad that I often find myself crying. It's very strange and a very awful experience.

I have found that for the New Year of 2011 that I will be making resolutions that I plan to keep. A couple years back I tried to stop making resolutions because those things never seemed to come true or happen (always due to procrastination on my part). So this year, I wanted things to be different...I wanted to truly begin anew with both small and large goals as to make 2011 the best year it could possible be.

But then a pit grew in my stomach as a thought about this 'list'...What do I want this year?

The question nagged at me and nagged at me and through me into a depressive stupor for over 2 days as I pondered the question. So here is what I have so far:

---I need to get back into school (at least part time).
---I need to get out of the house more.
---I need to start exercising again and losing weight
---I really want to write more often than not.

But then there were the small things you know...I want to get back with my ex. That's one thing that I still stand strong with. But at the same time, we have been broken up for almost 2 months, and I'm afraid that instead of working towards fixing what we have destroyed that we might be going the opposite direction. Either way we will end up friends...but there still are worries for what will happen during this new year when it comes to relationships.
Some other small things just have to do with other things of self-betterment, new careers...getting away from wendy's and away from factory jobs like sony. So yeah/// some think of the New Years as a celebration and a break...but for others...for us, it's a nightmare and one that you NEVER shake.

The Burdens of being YOUNG---

Today...my ex left the house after spending a whole weekend with me. Normally, this would not be a huge thing...but all weekend, she held me in her arms while I was puking my guts up (every hour or so), telling me how she loved me with all her heart, and making corny jokes as to make me smile.
She even cuddled me to help me sleep...
Now she is going out to the club with a girl that she has a crush on...might get a few drinks, dance the night away, then sleep soundly next to someone else. And I'm at home alone. I dealt with this the last time that we broke up...but now I realized something else...something that had to do with one of my past relationships.

I used to date a girl up in New York who was 3 years younger than me. We had been together for 4-years as an internet-roleplaying-couple who did not really know much about each other. Needless to say, when we decided to make our relationship something a little more serious...there were always complications going on because she was so much younger than I was.
When I was old enough to drink, she wouldnt be...and while I was going to be 18 (at the time), I could go out and do whatever, while she was still bound by her parents rules because she was much too young.

So how does this relate to my current ex? Well, my ex and I are 4 years apart...she is 23 and I am 19 (until march). She is a socialite who likes to go out and have a good time...and while I am somewhat similar...because of my age, I am bound by specific rules.
She can out to clubs with her friends, and she can go to bars to drinks with her buddies and pals...I cannot. She wants to get out and party and drink...and go places where I cannot follow her. Now I kinda know why Gabriela felt like she was just holding back and felt so helpless all of the time when the two of us were dating...because now I am in something of a similar position and it sucks major balls.

I guess another thing that has me down is being single...to have someone love you so much but not want to be with you...it really takes its toll on your heart, you know? I want to be with her so bad...but she just doesn't seem to see eye-to-eye with me.
But all I can do is wait.

Well that's all of my random ranting for now.

What a brief thought an Armband can bring.

So I have been going through a lot of my old things (pulled from my mother's house), and I came across my rainbow armband. Well, needless to say, I have not worn that thing in forever, and it really got me thinking about my lifestyle...especially my sexuality.
I guess i just never stop to acknowledge the fact that I am a lesbian. It just does not hold my attention. As I told someone the other day, when I am walking around and holding hands with Tasmara, I do not think: "OMG I'm holding hands with another woman..." I am actually thinking: "I am holding hands with the person that I love...this feels nice."

That's all I'm going to say for now. Guess I will elaborate later...

Defining Family (Thanksgiving 2010)

So what defines family? It's a real question...I mean, does it really come down to matter of the blood? So basically this year for Thanksgiving I had decided to spend time with my g/f's  family (who I consider to be my second family). Well, after the breakup, since me and my ex were still on good terms...I did not change my holiday plans.
well, my little sister took offense to that...according to her, I should be spending time with my 'actual' family. But, according to me, the Locke's ARE my actual family. From the words of my ex,"Sure we may not be blood related but I consider her my actual family."

So again, what is family? To me, family is a group of people whom you respect, you love, and you have aan amazing time when you around them...people you can laugh with, joke around with, fight with (and make up later), people who understand you and allow you to be yourself.
While I do love my actual family very much...they do not always offer me the chance to be who I truly am. It's almost like i have to wear a mask around them because I do not measure up to the norms they have established within their immediate 'society'. Unless my brother comes home, I cannot talk about video games, and because my step-father does not agree with it...I cannot discuss anything that gives away my sexuality. But here in indianapolis I am free to do as I wish...there are no norms, I do not have to wear a mask...I can talk about anything, joke about anything, and they consider me family.

My ex's nieces even call me 'aunt' and it's a really amazing feeling to know that I am known enough and loved enough to have that kind of title. So let me know what you think.

Looking back at old Journals...

Have you ever had one of those moments where you are going through your old things and you find old journals from several years past? A few years ago I did that...I was living with my mother still (at the time), and came across one of those Ann-Frank journals...the rainbow ones with the black pages that you had to write your notes with gel-pens?
It was about one of the girliest things I had ever really done. Well, the entries in there were from third grade up to fifth grade. Needless to say, back then I had many psychological problems due to my abusive past.

Well, turns out that...back then, I thought that I was an alien by the name of Saphoson Siberocticon Magellen (say that three times fast). And my best friend was also an alien...supposedly by sister...and I forget the full name of her character, but her name was Aquarius and was shortened to Aqua. God...
It also turns out that I was a Goddess in the realm of Dragon Ball Z, and so I always wrote about collecting the Dragon Balls, gaining new powers, and marrying both Goku AND Vegeta (OMG! I was such a whore!).

Yeah...but then again, that was third-grade and a lot of kids tend to let their imaginations get the best of them. But at the same time, while i should have snapped out of that fantasy world...I obviously did not.

I went through my files again last night, and came across a trilogy of composition books that had been colored in red sharpie. These journals were dubbed the "Creepy Cabin Journals". Originally, these were journals that portrayed the time in middle school spent with a different best friend while we were over at her house.
The original Creepy Cabin Journal was supposed to be made into some sort of realistic novel...a story about two girls with these amazing powers and the adventures they went on together. I guess that back then, I was still stuck in this fantasy world where I had people using my body as something of a host so that they could roam around on our planet. I also had the gift to see spirits and communicate with them, and the power to fight things that weren't really there...also, in dreams, I flew to other planets and destroyed them. Weird, right? It's funny...because halfway through the first journal...i stop writing fantasy and take 3 pages to sit there and explain that none of what I had said was even real...I mean, some of the paranormal stuff had actually happened, but most of it was just utter bull sh**.

The other two CCJ's are just about my high school life and the changes I go through. in the second one I'm fighting with my sexuality and trying to get through a terrible heartbreak by my first girl crush...then in the third one I have a g/f in New York and I'm talking about all he drama there was with that...so at least I came out of that weird phase and actually got a reality check. It's a start right?
It's just amazing when you pick up old documents and realize how dumb you used to be!!! It's one of those things that you look at and say: "No wonder I did not have any friends back then..." ((lol))

Anyways, that's all the ranting I will do for now...I have a website to update! Bye!

Sneaking Away...

Writing in a diary roved tedious after awhile...either that or it was the fact that my pages kept falling out and off of the booklet (that's what I get for going cheap). So until I can actually obtain a journal worth using (which is supposedly coming some time around Christmas---courtesy of my BFF), I have decided to write in this blog for all to see.
It's silly I know...but it's a comforting thought, knowing that someone might become interested enough to read what I have written and who understands what I am going through.

I started a project the other day that was called "Sneaking Away". It would seem that the social sites that I often visit have been causing me many-a-drama whereas I need not add to the stress in my life. Facebook did nothing but offer a he-said-she-said atmosphere, while the comments on or about my Myspace were more brutal. Having just gotten out of a relationship, the comments were an abundance of: "Why haven't you changed your relationship status to single?" or "Why do you still mnetion her in yor profile? You guys are over, right...?"
It all got very annoying.

But it is true....much as I would like to be able to get over the fact that I am again single after not even a month of being with my sexy lady again (yes I am a lesbian lol), it would seem that I have some sort of addiction to her. I try and tell mysself that I am being silly, but my logical side gets beat over the head with a skillet wielded by the side of me that thinks that things can still work out for both her and I in the long run. It was a whole big dramatic situation which broke us up, got us back together, then broke us up again...but there's no point in going into detail about it.

All I'm saying is that my new project entails me...NOT getting on my social sites for over a month. It would seem that I have turned into the stereotypical American because it's already been 2 days, and I'm wondering how my Island People will ever survive if I do not go in and bless them with my godly powers on Facebook T^T
Naturally, I could live without MySpace...but it is true, there are something I will have to erase from both there AND Gaia online before this whole relationship ordeal has concluded for a final time. So now I'm left to talking with AI robots on the web, and playing video games to keep my mind away from wondering who so-and-so is dating and whose birthday it might be today.

Ungh...only 26 days to go...