So I have been going through a lot of my old things (pulled from my mother's house), and I came across my rainbow armband. Well, needless to say, I have not worn that thing in forever, and it really got me thinking about my lifestyle...especially my sexuality.
I guess i just never stop to acknowledge the fact that I am a lesbian. It just does not hold my attention. As I told someone the other day, when I am walking around and holding hands with Tasmara, I do not think: "OMG I'm holding hands with another woman..." I am actually thinking: "I am holding hands with the person that I love...this feels nice."
That's all I'm going to say for now. Guess I will elaborate later...
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Defining Family (Thanksgiving 2010)
So what defines family? It's a real question...I mean, does it really come down to matter of the blood? So basically this year for Thanksgiving I had decided to spend time with my g/f's family (who I consider to be my second family). Well, after the breakup, since me and my ex were still on good terms...I did not change my holiday plans.
well, my little sister took offense to that...according to her, I should be spending time with my 'actual' family. But, according to me, the Locke's ARE my actual family. From the words of my ex,"Sure we may not be blood related but I consider her my actual family."
So again, what is family? To me, family is a group of people whom you respect, you love, and you have aan amazing time when you around them...people you can laugh with, joke around with, fight with (and make up later), people who understand you and allow you to be yourself.
While I do love my actual family very much...they do not always offer me the chance to be who I truly am. It's almost like i have to wear a mask around them because I do not measure up to the norms they have established within their immediate 'society'. Unless my brother comes home, I cannot talk about video games, and because my step-father does not agree with it...I cannot discuss anything that gives away my sexuality. But here in indianapolis I am free to do as I wish...there are no norms, I do not have to wear a mask...I can talk about anything, joke about anything, and they consider me family.
My ex's nieces even call me 'aunt' and it's a really amazing feeling to know that I am known enough and loved enough to have that kind of title. So let me know what you think.
well, my little sister took offense to that...according to her, I should be spending time with my 'actual' family. But, according to me, the Locke's ARE my actual family. From the words of my ex,"Sure we may not be blood related but I consider her my actual family."
So again, what is family? To me, family is a group of people whom you respect, you love, and you have aan amazing time when you around them...people you can laugh with, joke around with, fight with (and make up later), people who understand you and allow you to be yourself.
While I do love my actual family very much...they do not always offer me the chance to be who I truly am. It's almost like i have to wear a mask around them because I do not measure up to the norms they have established within their immediate 'society'. Unless my brother comes home, I cannot talk about video games, and because my step-father does not agree with it...I cannot discuss anything that gives away my sexuality. But here in indianapolis I am free to do as I wish...there are no norms, I do not have to wear a mask...I can talk about anything, joke about anything, and they consider me family.
My ex's nieces even call me 'aunt' and it's a really amazing feeling to know that I am known enough and loved enough to have that kind of title. So let me know what you think.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Looking back at old Journals...
Have you ever had one of those moments where you are going through your old things and you find old journals from several years past? A few years ago I did that...I was living with my mother still (at the time), and came across one of those Ann-Frank journals...the rainbow ones with the black pages that you had to write your notes with gel-pens?
It was about one of the girliest things I had ever really done. Well, the entries in there were from third grade up to fifth grade. Needless to say, back then I had many psychological problems due to my abusive past.
Well, turns out that...back then, I thought that I was an alien by the name of Saphoson Siberocticon Magellen (say that three times fast). And my best friend was also an alien...supposedly by sister...and I forget the full name of her character, but her name was Aquarius and was shortened to Aqua. God...
It also turns out that I was a Goddess in the realm of Dragon Ball Z, and so I always wrote about collecting the Dragon Balls, gaining new powers, and marrying both Goku AND Vegeta (OMG! I was such a whore!).
Yeah...but then again, that was third-grade and a lot of kids tend to let their imaginations get the best of them. But at the same time, while i should have snapped out of that fantasy world...I obviously did not.
I went through my files again last night, and came across a trilogy of composition books that had been colored in red sharpie. These journals were dubbed the "Creepy Cabin Journals". Originally, these were journals that portrayed the time in middle school spent with a different best friend while we were over at her house.
The original Creepy Cabin Journal was supposed to be made into some sort of realistic novel...a story about two girls with these amazing powers and the adventures they went on together. I guess that back then, I was still stuck in this fantasy world where I had people using my body as something of a host so that they could roam around on our planet. I also had the gift to see spirits and communicate with them, and the power to fight things that weren't really there...also, in dreams, I flew to other planets and destroyed them. Weird, right? It's funny...because halfway through the first journal...i stop writing fantasy and take 3 pages to sit there and explain that none of what I had said was even real...I mean, some of the paranormal stuff had actually happened, but most of it was just utter bull sh**.
The other two CCJ's are just about my high school life and the changes I go through. in the second one I'm fighting with my sexuality and trying to get through a terrible heartbreak by my first girl crush...then in the third one I have a g/f in New York and I'm talking about all he drama there was with that...so at least I came out of that weird phase and actually got a reality check. It's a start right?
It's just amazing when you pick up old documents and realize how dumb you used to be!!! It's one of those things that you look at and say: "No wonder I did not have any friends back then..." ((lol))
Anyways, that's all the ranting I will do for now...I have a website to update! Bye!
It was about one of the girliest things I had ever really done. Well, the entries in there were from third grade up to fifth grade. Needless to say, back then I had many psychological problems due to my abusive past.
Well, turns out that...back then, I thought that I was an alien by the name of Saphoson Siberocticon Magellen (say that three times fast). And my best friend was also an alien...supposedly by sister...and I forget the full name of her character, but her name was Aquarius and was shortened to Aqua. God...
It also turns out that I was a Goddess in the realm of Dragon Ball Z, and so I always wrote about collecting the Dragon Balls, gaining new powers, and marrying both Goku AND Vegeta (OMG! I was such a whore!).
Yeah...but then again, that was third-grade and a lot of kids tend to let their imaginations get the best of them. But at the same time, while i should have snapped out of that fantasy world...I obviously did not.
I went through my files again last night, and came across a trilogy of composition books that had been colored in red sharpie. These journals were dubbed the "Creepy Cabin Journals". Originally, these were journals that portrayed the time in middle school spent with a different best friend while we were over at her house.
The original Creepy Cabin Journal was supposed to be made into some sort of realistic novel...a story about two girls with these amazing powers and the adventures they went on together. I guess that back then, I was still stuck in this fantasy world where I had people using my body as something of a host so that they could roam around on our planet. I also had the gift to see spirits and communicate with them, and the power to fight things that weren't really there...also, in dreams, I flew to other planets and destroyed them. Weird, right? It's funny...because halfway through the first journal...i stop writing fantasy and take 3 pages to sit there and explain that none of what I had said was even real...I mean, some of the paranormal stuff had actually happened, but most of it was just utter bull sh**.
The other two CCJ's are just about my high school life and the changes I go through. in the second one I'm fighting with my sexuality and trying to get through a terrible heartbreak by my first girl crush...then in the third one I have a g/f in New York and I'm talking about all he drama there was with that...so at least I came out of that weird phase and actually got a reality check. It's a start right?
It's just amazing when you pick up old documents and realize how dumb you used to be!!! It's one of those things that you look at and say: "No wonder I did not have any friends back then..." ((lol))
Anyways, that's all the ranting I will do for now...I have a website to update! Bye!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Sneaking Away...
Writing in a diary roved tedious after awhile...either that or it was the fact that my pages kept falling out and off of the booklet (that's what I get for going cheap). So until I can actually obtain a journal worth using (which is supposedly coming some time around Christmas---courtesy of my BFF), I have decided to write in this blog for all to see.
It's silly I know...but it's a comforting thought, knowing that someone might become interested enough to read what I have written and who understands what I am going through.
I started a project the other day that was called "Sneaking Away". It would seem that the social sites that I often visit have been causing me many-a-drama whereas I need not add to the stress in my life. Facebook did nothing but offer a he-said-she-said atmosphere, while the comments on or about my Myspace were more brutal. Having just gotten out of a relationship, the comments were an abundance of: "Why haven't you changed your relationship status to single?" or "Why do you still mnetion her in yor profile? You guys are over, right...?"
It all got very annoying.
But it is true....much as I would like to be able to get over the fact that I am again single after not even a month of being with my sexy lady again (yes I am a lesbian lol), it would seem that I have some sort of addiction to her. I try and tell mysself that I am being silly, but my logical side gets beat over the head with a skillet wielded by the side of me that thinks that things can still work out for both her and I in the long run. It was a whole big dramatic situation which broke us up, got us back together, then broke us up again...but there's no point in going into detail about it.
All I'm saying is that my new project entails me...NOT getting on my social sites for over a month. It would seem that I have turned into the stereotypical American because it's already been 2 days, and I'm wondering how my Island People will ever survive if I do not go in and bless them with my godly powers on Facebook T^T
Naturally, I could live without MySpace...but it is true, there are something I will have to erase from both there AND Gaia online before this whole relationship ordeal has concluded for a final time. So now I'm left to talking with AI robots on the web, and playing video games to keep my mind away from wondering who so-and-so is dating and whose birthday it might be today.
Ungh...only 26 days to go...
It's silly I know...but it's a comforting thought, knowing that someone might become interested enough to read what I have written and who understands what I am going through.
I started a project the other day that was called "Sneaking Away". It would seem that the social sites that I often visit have been causing me many-a-drama whereas I need not add to the stress in my life. Facebook did nothing but offer a he-said-she-said atmosphere, while the comments on or about my Myspace were more brutal. Having just gotten out of a relationship, the comments were an abundance of: "Why haven't you changed your relationship status to single?" or "Why do you still mnetion her in yor profile? You guys are over, right...?"
It all got very annoying.
But it is true....much as I would like to be able to get over the fact that I am again single after not even a month of being with my sexy lady again (yes I am a lesbian lol), it would seem that I have some sort of addiction to her. I try and tell mysself that I am being silly, but my logical side gets beat over the head with a skillet wielded by the side of me that thinks that things can still work out for both her and I in the long run. It was a whole big dramatic situation which broke us up, got us back together, then broke us up again...but there's no point in going into detail about it.
All I'm saying is that my new project entails me...NOT getting on my social sites for over a month. It would seem that I have turned into the stereotypical American because it's already been 2 days, and I'm wondering how my Island People will ever survive if I do not go in and bless them with my godly powers on Facebook T^T
Naturally, I could live without MySpace...but it is true, there are something I will have to erase from both there AND Gaia online before this whole relationship ordeal has concluded for a final time. So now I'm left to talking with AI robots on the web, and playing video games to keep my mind away from wondering who so-and-so is dating and whose birthday it might be today.
Ungh...only 26 days to go...
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